To kick off the “pre-wedding” blog posts, I want to share
something that is rather dear to my heart: my list. The, “things I want in a
husband,” list. I started my list when I was about 15, and it has grown since
then. This list was initially a diary entry, and I am going to keep it in that
format for the blog.
Dear Diary,
What follows is a formal list of attributes and character
qualities that I want in a husband.
1. First, and most importantly, he must be a Christian (2
Corinthians 6:14). This must be displayed not only in his moral character and
conduct, and attendance of church services, but also in his Bible reading and
use of God’s Word in his interaction with others.
Because everything after this is of equal value, no
numbering will be given.
-
He must be wise (Proverbs 5:1). This
includes all his dealings, both emotionally and financially (Proverbs 1:8-19).
Also, he must be able to wisely interpret and obey the Bible.
-
He must possess the fruits of the Spirit
as outlined in Galatians Chapter 5. This, of course, can not be in a perfect
sense (I am not unreasonable), as no one can completely achieve the fullness of
these qualities.
-
He must honor his parents (Ephesians
6:1-3), and not be rebellious. Also, he must be willing to leave his
parents when we get married (Ephesians 5:31; Genesis 2:24). There has to be a
balance in his relationship with them (Proverbs 1:8-9).
-
He needs to show that he is called to the
same ministry as I am. He does not need to do the same thing that I do, but we
need to have common goals. In Proverbs 31, the husband and the wife both have
different jobs, yet they support each other in those things.
-
He must have a job, which pays him enough
to support a family. Whatever that may be, he must be skilled in it (Proverbs
22:29), not slothful or lazy (Proverbs 10:4).
-
He must be a respectable person (Proverbs
31:23), whom I can submit to (Colossians 3:18), support and be proud of. His
respectability should be reflected in the way his family, friends, and
co-workers treat him (1 Thessalonians 5:12-13).
-
He must be a humble person (Proverbs
15:33). This should be apparent in his prayers, and in his attitude (2
Chronicles 7:14; Daniel 10:12). When he is wrong, he must be able to admit it,
and ask for forgiveness if necessary. He also must be able to forgive me when I
wrong him.
-
He must be honest in all his dealings
(Proverbs 12:22). Even with small, seemingly insignificant things, he must be
honest.
-
He must be an encouraging person (1
Thessalonians 5:11), who has discernment when advising or counseling (Proverbs
2:11). Whenever someone is down, he needs to try to lift them up.
-
He must be able to stand up for what is
right and not be ashamed of the gospel of Christ (Romans 1:16).
-
He must have a sense of honor and
chivalry about him.
-
He needs to be clean. For instance,
frequent showers and a desire to smell good are a must! Hygiene is important to
me…
-
He must want more than one child. His
desire to be a wonderful father should be evident.
-
He must be able to receive criticism in a
Christ-like manner. He should not lose his temper (Psalm 4:4).
-
He must want to Homeschool any children
we have, and we need to agree on curriculum choices especially in the areas of
science, religion, and other controversial topics (Proverbs 22:6).
-
I would like him to be somewhat
mathematically minded.
-
He needs to celebrate the same holidays
that I do.
-
He should have some knowledge of
classical music (for homeschooling purposes), and preferably play an instrument
(or have played one in the past). This is so that he can have an appreciation
for music and the arts, not because I am snobby!
-
He needs to be somewhat handy when it
comes to automobile or household repairs (Proverbs 12:11, 14; Proverbs 14:23;
Proverbs 22:29). This is simply a practical life skill that I think is
important.
-
He needs to like to travel, but enjoy
coming home too.
-
He needs to be laid back enough to let me
decorate and redecorate the house (within reason of course), without freaking
out.
-
I would like him to be older than me
(Ephesians 5:33 – Respect). I have a harder time respecting and looking up to a
man who is younger than me.
-
I need to be physically attracted to him!
Before I get too far, I would like to say that no person is
perfect, and obviously even though it sounds like I want to marry Jesus himself
from the list above, in my mind I understand my own limits and desires when it
comes to those certain attributes. Some of my requests may seem unreasonable to
a young woman who has different tolerances for different things in a man and I
expect everyone who reads this list to understand that it is not a “one size
fits all” list of husband requirements! Even so, I have a lot of scripture that
goes along with the requirements, which should be taken into account. Some of those
listed are just principles that apply to the particular quality, and some of
them indicate that the quality really should be a requirement, like the
ministry one. If you and whoever you are seeing are going in totally different
directions in your life (even if those things are equally honoring to God!), it
is probably not going to work. Being a Christian of course precludes this.
In some areas, I had to adapt over time, and the Lord is
teaching me through that adaptation, but change was never required in any of the
“must have” Biblical non-negotiable areas. For instance, my fiancé is not a
particularly “handy” person when it comes to household and automobile repairs.
However, he is learning (under my dad) and is always willing to help his or my
dad out with things that need to be accomplished around the house. So, that was
an area that I (sorta) compromised on when choosing a husband.
I would encourage anyone who is thinking about marriage to
separate your list into two parts – negotiable and non-negotiable. The non-negotiable
things ought to be pulled directly from Scripture because it honestly isn’t
fair to young men to expect them to be perfect! Some things you will grow
together in over time. I know that over the past two years or so my fiancé and
I have become far more alike in many areas, and I think that many married
couples will attest to the fact that over time you start to meld together.
That’s part of what “becoming one” is all about.
For example, I would put the honoring your parents, yet
leaving your parents, into the non-negotiable category. I have seen marriages
destroyed because couples are all “mama’s boys (or girls), or daddies girls,
etc..” and I wanted none of it. On the other hand, mathematically minded men
need not despair, because that is definitely a negotiable portion of the list!
So, that’s just an example of ways to divide it up. Always realize though that
people are flawed. No one can be perfectly wise, humble, patient, encouraging,
etc. And if you expect a man to be that way then you’ll never get married. And
honestly, if you think you are all of those things, you’re too proud to be
married! Always check yourself before you hold your prospective husband to
negotiable standards.
In the end, keep to the list you make. I have seen people make
a very reasonable list, and then find themselves breaking everything on it just
to date some cute guy who is going in a totally different direction, and
leading them in that direction too (remember you become like the person you’re
with over time). Even so, I’ll tell you now, it usually ends up in heartbreak.
Don’t be afraid to ask your significant other questions about disciplining
kids, church, sex, marriage, and whatever else is non negotiable within the
first couple weeks of going out. In the church, we oftentimes only put emphasis
on setting sexual boundaries, but that is most definitely not the only area you
should focus on early in your relationship! My fiancé and I discussed the
non-negotiables within the first three dates. He didn’t run away and neither
did I. That alone ought to give some hope to young couples looking for
marriage.
Sincerely,
~Lady Robinson
